i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
