Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
