bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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