WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
