I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
