I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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