I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
