A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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