I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
