1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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