dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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