So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
