Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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