Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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