I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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