if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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