Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
