How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
