I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The uberlube is also flammable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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