I wanna bring you to show and tell
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
