Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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