I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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