she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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