My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
