in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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