im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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