she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
