I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
