im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
