Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
