So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
