I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
