Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
