Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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