So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
