Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
