It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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