And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
