you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
