I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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