Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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