got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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