I can text with my tongue
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
