I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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