Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize