Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
