so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
