you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
