does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize