The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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