Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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