if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
