Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
