So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
