my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize