dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
