Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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