Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
