If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
