FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
