Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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