Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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