Already got asked if we're dating
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize