I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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