You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
