So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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